#this is about a specific person i know but i'm being vague on purpose

[multi-lefaiye]

urhghgh i hate having crushes, i feel so embarrassed every time i realize i might have one.

on the bright side tho it is fun to talk about them with my partner b/c they're very sweet and supportive and kind

BUT ALSO THEY BULLY ME WHEN I'M BEING GAY ABOUT EITHER THEM OR ANYONE I MIGHT BE CRUSHING ON, GDI (lovingly ofc)

(reminder that my partner and i are poly pls do not clown on this post)

[copperbadge]

hey sam, totally understand if you don't want to get into this, but i'm curious how you interpret your tarot reading for the year in light of the election results?

So, I have two replies to this, but I do want to say despite responding that I really I appreciate the permission not to respond. Especially because this is going to be a form of non-response, but only because of extenuating circumstances. I know that I'm never required to respond to an ask, but I always feel bad if I don't, so it's helpful to know the asker understands.

First -- I could go back and look at the reading and look at the world and see what there is to be seen, but...that's fun when it's like "Oh, the reading predicted Dracula Daily, how interesting". It's not really as fun when we're talking about deeply unsettling and dangerous political events. And I'm not sure I'm in a headspace for it, being honest. The reading itself feels like it aged poorly, although some of its advice is still sound.

Second, and honestly to me more relevant, is the fact that I've found this specific spread is not really ideal for this purpose. As a personal reading, Four Royal Advisors seems fine, especially if you're trying to just take a vague look at the future rather than predict the course of a coming year. When I've tried doing the "new year's" reading for the coming year, it always seemed to stall out in autumn and not cover the full year. So I don't know if it would have any particular insight after Halloween in any case.

On the plus, I do have a new reading that is specifically designed to be a "coming year" reading and to cover the full year, so hopefully this month and certainly before New Year's I'll be debuting that and trying it for next year. I'm a little concerned about what it might tell us, but I think we're all rather concerned for the future, so that feels normal.

[neonscandal]

something I wanted to understand, the author said that satoru was quite a womanizer, but then he said that geto was much more popular among women than satoru I didn't understand

Technically, the author said that they didn't see Gojo being faithful to one or a certain woman not that he was a womanizer.

With what we know about Gojo (and Gege Akutami's trolling ways, for that matter), I think that's up for interpretation.

FAN INTERPRETATION

Fans really took that sentiment and kind of ran with it because, to us, Gojo is high spec in every way. Canonically good looking, tall, competent at like.. everything according to Akutami, strong and presumably loaded. Of course someone like that would be a womanizer, right?

Except Gojo is an oversized child who still kinda refers to Digimon in conversation and primarily hangs out with 16 year olds. People project a lot of their BS onto him because they can't imagine ticking all those boxes and not being an asshole. But he’s a corny dork who is seemingly impervious to the outright disdain of most of the people around him. IT’S COMICAL. Personally, I think this interpretation is incorrect, demonstrably.

The other side of the fandom is naturally like... well of course he couldn't stay faithful to one woman. He's been faithful to Geto for ten years! I think we know what camp I've pitched my tent in *gestures vaguely to the rest of my blog* Especially when you bear in mind that Gege Akutami specifically designed Gojo and Geto to be intrinsic complements of one another.

CANON

I'm not so SatoSugu addled (once the brain rot sets in, it's terminal) that I am unable to disclose the secret third way we can interpret this. Canonically, when we look at Gojo as a character... it almost makes sense to assume he's simply not interested in dating at all.

Empirically finds it hard to relate to others

Even when he does care for others, he's still emotionally shallow and aware of it

Gojo clan leader with all associated unpleasantries and responsibilities from a young age

Single benefactor to two children; assumes direct responsibility over two more by staving off their execution

First line of defense for all of jujutsu society

Has a grand design of toppling said jujutsu society

Has experienced devastating loss which informs the grand design of his life's mission and he's always plotting, even when it comes to the seemingly altruistic act of "adopting" the Fushiguro kids or pressing Yuta and Yuji to learn under his care. When you consider that context, it furthers the idea that he's pretty divorced from emotion. Like, he wants them to have a childhood but its still at the pleasure of his convenience and ultimate purpose.

LOOK at this gorgeous, gorgeous boy from pop layer art because I need it and, when I covet, you must also covet. Edit: I'd accidently copied the wrong link there! It's been fixed 💙

In universe, we've seen maybe two canonical couples: Yuta & Rika and Hakari & Kirara (to be animated). This supports the fact that Gege's not really concerned with injecting "romance" into the plot unnecessarily. Undeniably and supporting the SatoSugu agenda, however, is the fact that JJK 0 very much aligned Gojo & Geto with Yuta & Rika with the theme coming to a head in season 2 with Gojo's sealment. For clarity, I mean how love ultimately cursed Rika and Geto after death by Yuta's begging her not to leave and Gojo not properly disposing of Geto's body. Love turned Rika into a curse and allowed Kenjaku to swoop in on Geto.

GETO'S POPULARITY

Geto is, quite literally, popular with everyone in universe and that was before he became a cult leader... which also indicates a predilection for popularity, I guess? As a character, he is principled, thoughtful, gentle and strong. I think, collectively, we tend to toil over the fact that Gojo spent more time missing Geto than he actually knew him. But... that's the same for Shoko and Nanami. After Geto's defection, Nanami couldn't forsake him even if he morally couldn't approve of his actions. Over ten years later as the night parade of a hundred demons is set to take place, Yaga starts saying something along the lines of finally getting rid of the scourge that is Suguru Geto and Shoko makes it a point to leave. I think it's because, after everything, she still holds affection and pity for Geto and would rather not hear him being bad-mouthed for breaking under the pressure of things.

He was the best of them, after all.

[saint-vagrant]

for the love of god stop with these Rational Thinkers' paragraph + italicised "VOTE!" posts. is anyone moved by this? i've seen "vote for whoever you like, but just vote" VOTE FOR WHOEVER BUT JUST DO IT? BRO! that's somehow more pathetic than demanding that you back biden or else you're too young and too old and too stupid and too academic and ultimately a traitor if you came to a different conclusion and act, to your best ability, in accordance with your ethics.

like yeah you'll do whatever and so will i, i guess. but it's psychically painful to see this totally coincidental influx specifically since october 2023. people calling leftists (well specifically anti-imperialists &/ communists) "russian/chinese/3rd party agents" who are "lying to you to stop you from voting." it's been worded as "your friends are lying to you." that is so cool. it's like 2016 in here. yday i saw "voting isn't about which leader will sign off on your glorious revolution" which is such a snide misunderstanding of... most things, i think? it's giving "proudly launching headfirst down stairwell." more than half the time i check out OP, they're openly a zionist, or end up there by default in the sense of being a bland milquetoast etiquette-obsessed "let people enjoy things" centrist who's so mistrusting of information or pattern recognition that if you possess either you're corrupted by "ideology."

why would it be necessary to lie? what purpose for a big convoluted conspiracy? for whom IS this simplistic, condescending, dispassionate shit anyway??? surely not for the people whose families are burning alive, thanks to the american government who robs and brutalises its own people in order to fund further massacres. because how could you look that person in the face and tell them "no, you don't know fuckall about how things run around here. now is the time for political decorum" ?? there must be such a sense of comfort in the idea that those people are "over there." like i think it's pretty unfortunate that a lot of these posts begin by citing some ~dramatic~ ~babybrained~ "take" committed by disgruntled "western" posters (who are spies) but when i heard the source, or when i go find it, it's by a palestinian or muslim person or just someone from whom it like, kind of makes sense why they feel the way they do! but then it's characterised in such a vague wussy ass way! huh??!!! like it seems very convenient to ignore WHO is organising/mobilising/criticising, WHO is protesting and abstaining, so that these posts come off more sound and reasonable than the leftist sleeper agents who appeal to emotion over sense. and i'm not even telling you not to vote! i'm wondering why it's so impossible to conceive of a reality where a marginalised person or group concludes that the health and safety of their community will be sought and achieved through other means. you really can't imagine that? that's dumb to you?

so i guess i, too, don't care what the hell you do with your precious little life, but it is So Fucked to talk down to people about genocide like it's a petty, inconvenient wedge issue we have to sidestep for the greater good. fwiw voting isn't wholly irrelevant to me, And Also, i understand being against a system means, for many, abstaining from its approved tools and pouring efforts into direct action. this is not a new approach! greater good is sought and achieved mainly and actively on the ground— not from above. moreover, there is no good greater than opposing and ending genocide for fuck's sake! jesus!

[resident-idiot-simp]

Inspired by this

Ft: @steriotypicaloutlaw & @existentialgaybirdnerd

I like to imagine Simon just randomly shows up places to do things for fun since he's legally dead. A random marathon here. A random convention there. Maybe there's a thread on 4chan or something wondering who the hell this guy is

Bird- "I swear I saw this guy before, he won (extremely specific race)" and there's a whole board about him

He just shows up around the world randomly and does incredible feats and then disappears again

Bird- "This guy shows up, kicks everyone ass at ANYTHING, then disappears without a trace. He's gotta be a superhero of SOME SORT"

Someone catches him in the wild one time holding the hand of this dude with a mohawk.

StO- Imagine Gaz having followed said board, also never saw Ghost without the mask or balaclava, and then he sees him there and he's just like, "I get to see him live!" And then Price reacts the way he does and Gaz is just like, "Wait! I know mystery Batman guy?!?"

Bird- "Mystery Batman guy is my SUPERIOR OFFICER? "

But they can trace Soap they know who this guy is. Imagine like a million people from 4chan just dog pile him in every social media platform wondering who the hell the man is. Soap knows about this I also bet you money ghost haunts the thread he knows everything he does this stuff on purpose at this rate.

And he made soap promise never to say a word. So soap gas lights like he's never gaslit before. I don't know who you're talking about that is not me you're delusional. 'It is you though'. No I was never there with a person ever in my life.

Bird- "Idk who tf you think that is, but I'm way more handsome than that"

Of course they can't fool Gaz but they do recruit him into the game. Laswell also knows about this

Bird- Laswell had been on the board since it started lol

At first it was just to make sure his identity didn't get leaked and now it's just for fun

Bird- She gives them vague hints in the wrong direction, photo shopping specific events that didn't happen to make it seem like he gets out more than he does.

Bro one time the catch Ghost in Cancun just surfing. No one knows where he went after they tried to follow It didn't work.

Bird- This man has fans all around the world but they can never get a picture of him without his permission.

What really gets people is he can be found across the world in very short periods of time. People assume he must be like one of those hidden billionaires.

Bird- That's why he's Batman to them

One time they got a picture of him super injured though and now they are convinced he's a superhero

Bird- There's a whole folder of circumstantial evidence of him being hurt and everyone going "evidence he's a superhero"

He is most often found is not in ridiculous events in Scotland and that is more evidence that he's connected to John MacTavish even though MacTavish denies everything. People are unsure if MacTavish is like his sidekick or butler or secret boyfriend/husband.

Ghost convinces him to do weird events as well and dominate them just to confuse the forum.

Bird- They're both superheros in their own right just a few months later according to the forum

One time the are spotted together at a log throwing competition. Then MacTavish at an art exhibit (Ghost is barely visible in the background). Next week in Cuba doing an eating competition.

Three days later San Diego Comic-Con. No one understands anything that's going on.

Bird- Ghost and Soap have a fun time reading through all the shit. They're in full cosplay too, they're only recognized because of Soap's Instagram story the day after and then everyone explodes because they SAW them but didn't recognize them until them. Ghost as scream and Soap as Jason.

Imagine one time they just show up on TV or the news in the background

Bird- There's a parade going on in the background and they show up as performers or part of the audience. The news reporters don't catch them as they wave enthusiastically to the camera.

They come to the conclusion that they know about the forums and then it becomes trying to dig out the rat.

Bird- They try to sus out the account that could be one of them, little do they know Ghost is one of the longest running ones there so his account isn't suspected at all times.

I imagine a random selfie gets uploaded to the forum as well.

Bird- He posts a selfie from a "found" social media that just HAPPENS to be "deleted" before anyone else can access it.

The people on the forum are extremely happy though that this random probably superhero is playing along.

He shows up in the Winter Olympics next. And he crushes the biathlon by a scary margin. After he gets the gold he proposes to Soap

Soap's bio gets updated to John MacTavish Riley. Soap continues to gaslight. That has always been my full name YOU'RE all delusional.

I imagine they only get their answers possibly after they all retire

Bird- Simon gets unkilled by law and is allowed to retire with Soap. They make a video explaining how they were fucking with people for entertainment and post it to the forum and everyone loses it lol.

[guardian5tiger3]

Career/money Pick a Picture Tarot Reading

1. 2. 3.

Group 1

I feel that for you guys there's some connection to your heart here, some of you need to look in your heart. If you are not fully sure what you want to do exactly, this is definitely what you can do to help find the answers to that. Healing something within your heart may be needed if you do not know right now by looking within. So once your heart is healed you will feel there what you desire most. I'm picking up on the feeling of freedom. For some of you this has to do with travel. Maybe you want to read the second pile as well. I'm getting something about your families, and for someone something about a dog (s). Maybe for some of you, you have worries but you need to be honest with yourself and find that your priorities in your heart may be towards what you truly want to go do, and that it will be ok if you go forward with that. You guys will be happy. I want to tell you for those that may be worried about leaving anyone behind or being homesick, you will enjoy your present moment wherever you may find yourself, and that distance can grow fondness. I understand though, feeling you only have so much time on the topic of mortality. I have faith you all will figure it out, cause all I get now is the greatest feeling once your heart shows you clearly and you feel what it is you should go for, and it is so much love and freedom in it. Beautiful. Take your time though, this seems like a vague prediction in a sense, as destiny will be what it will be. Peace

Group 2.

You as a group seem that you really want advice and are really just wanting to take in anything I can give you all right now...you guys may be kind of guarded right now , mainly getting energetically. You guys have a big purpose, each one of you. Yes an airplane may *actually be significant. Some of you know then of course, one of you, it's an actually. And you don't even know it yet. I saw a little clock. So , with that I'm getting time of course. And right now it may be a matter of relying on that. I'm getting a lot about a spiritual like journey, but we don't have to put it that way, a journey of self discovery , self transformation. It's heavy, but I don't mean that in a negative sense. I mean, it's a deep thing you all are experiencing in what this is that we call life, your lives. A concept that seems to come into play with you guys and your journeys in life and what you will end up doing or for a few already doing, maybe just starting. If so you're young in this. The concept is about duality;within yourselves. Balancing your yin and yangs. You seem naturally very balanced people, in your spirits. I feel this is a reminder for some of you, to make sure you're not giving too much to the "good", "light" side, it's perfect when there is complete balance of the two opposites and embracing the dark side is not negative, it's necessary for both to prosper, and it is a positive thing. Both dark and light are naturally positive , like, good , but both can have bad qualities. When good is too much that is bad, kind of plain, can be too bright if you understand what I'm saying, hopefully. I'm getting something like spirit animals are significant, and wisdom. For a majority of you when it comes to career things, your soulmate or forever person is somehow involved/ going to be involved. I would just stay open to that so that things may go smoother if so. I'm not supposed to specify any further on that for whatever reason.

For right now, you're being guided, and do what you can and accept what you cannot do and know for now. It will come to you. You're on a specific path, trust that. And trust yourself. Every move you decide to make is for a reason, and I see that you will not fall. For any possible financial struggle , it's all for a reason, but maybe so to sympathize with other people in the world, for one. It may be so for a few of you to learn to ask for help and or to think further outside the box, the box being your mind and as far as it is expanded thus far. But you'll be okay. Peace and love.

Group 3.

You all may work with other people. I'm really picking up on desert vibes somehow for some reason,... Initially I picked up on a camel, actually. Maybe some of you have something to do with Egypt specifically too... Maybe you'll travel one day, maybe some of you live there, Im not sure but you'll know cause that's kinda specific... I'm also getting an oven , some of you have considered baking? Someone's family is involved already in some culinary business..

*side note, some of you aren't even meant to work. If you feel that, boom. There's your message. Go backpacking or just trust the universe on a level to work it out. Hell you can get an RV or something and go to a national forest and they'll let you stay there free if you help out working there. Nature rules! You'll figure it out.

You guys have some dope ancestry, just saying, I guess.. maybe you don't know and would be surprised about far back who was what from where I don't know. Anyway, If you have family who would hire you or help you get hired, that's nice and I'm supposed to tell you all that you should take any offer for that and basically give whatever it may be a try, but mainly you should be honest with yourself, it's OK if it isn't for you, it's OK if you love it or it just works and you stick to that. You know, I would say for instance some famous people have kids and they may want to hand down a legacy or business to their children, but what a shame if the child doesn't want that and yet some young person unrelated would love that to happen to them, if that makes sense. We're all children and family on this earth and there's no need for strict boundaries when it comes to bloodlines like that . Be true to yourself. Well if it's just you getting help to be hired, it's alright if you end up quitting or whatever even if for some of you feel like you'll be resented ,screw it don't live your life for anyone but yourself. Unless you have kids I guess... But still!.

Overall message for this group, if nothing else, let yourself be free.

[slyandthefamilybook]

What is the Accountability Archive?

(I was gonna make this an addition to another post but OP turned off reblogs while I was halfway through my deep dive so I'm making my own)

With any activism (or something trying to pass itself off as activism), especially list-making like this site, the most important question to ask is "why". What is the purpose? What do they hope to accomplish? How will this data be used?

The answer is......eh? The list is being compiled so that possibly someday some future historian might maybe think about wanting to form a committee to explore the possibility of..."understanding how 'power holders' manufacture consent". These power holders are, of course, politicians, but also journalists?, and "public figures", which is an extremely vague term. Am I a public figure? I certainly make my opinions public. So when these future researchers want to understand the nature of the current conflict, they won't need to look at the history of the region, the contemporary local politics as well as the international stage, and the personalities of the specific people involved. They'll just check out this eyesore of a website to find proof that slyandthefamilybook supports genocide. And future lawyers will be able to use this incontrovertible evidence to...sorry, to prosecute war crimes?????? Sorry, I couldn't help but laugh at that one. Well if I am on there it shouldn't be too hard to check. Surely a site called the "Accountability Archive" believes in transparency

Oh. Well. I'm sure if you pass their screening process they'll respond promptly from their encrypted archive-less email and definitely give you access. But don't worry. They have a "vision" of one day making this public. When are we the people going to be able to see the info? I want the juicy deets on who is and isn't a Zionist!

So, sometime in the future. Maybe. Probably. Well what kind of info are they collecting anyway?

Alright, seems normal so far. I appreciate that when talking about targeting of civilian populations or infrastructure they've remained impartial. I submitted a page from the ADL cataloguing US professors who celebrated Hamas' pogrom on 10/7. I will let you know how or if they respond

One thing I've noticed is the distinctly European spelling of some words like "dehumanisation" and "analyse". So who are these people even? They must have pictures, or names, or evidence of their bona fides. They claim to be "middle east experts" [sic] so surely they'll link articles they've written, or talk about degrees or accolades they've received. Something, anything to let us know that they're real serious people who know what they're talking about

Well that's......I mean that's not even an answer. You don't answer the question of "who are we" with "this is the purpose of our website". They have a Twitter, which despite being made in October 2023 (huh. weird) only made its first post in February 2024

The site itself went live on November 22, 2023, but according to Google was only certified as of 9 days ago

I'm not going to try to dig into who potentially runs the account. I don't want to doxx anyone. But this should give you an overview of what this site is and why you definitely shouldn't use it

[eveningrainstorm]

my take on teenage raz and lili!

some design notes under the cut:

They're intended to be about 16 here! I didn't go for anything too drastic in terms of changes -- these are largely just what I'd consider natural evolutions of their canon designs

For Raz, my main focus besides just making him look older was to add a bit more resemblance to the other Aquatos in his design, since his relationship with them wouldn't be strained like it is during canon

Raz is shown with very straight hair in canon, but since most of his family's hair is more wavy or curly I tend to imagine he styles it that way on purpose as part of his Sasha Nein cosplay or whatever. He wouldn't still feel the need to do that at this point, though, so for this design I wanted to make it more curly, similar to Augustus or Frazie, while still similar to his canon style. This turned out to be incredibly difficult and I'm still not entirely happy with where I landed, but it's good enough

I didn't think he would still wear the helmet but I didn't want to discard it entirely, so the goggles were a compromise. I meant to give them some visible scratches and wear and tear since they're presumably the same goggles he's been wearing since he was 10, but I forgot. rip

Obviously the most notable change to Raz's outfit is the scarf -- I wanted something that would tie him visually to the other Aquatos while still fitting with his general look. I imagine they gave it to him as a gift, sort of an acknowledgement that even if he doesn't perform with them as an acrobat, doing his Psychonaut work is his own way of being an Aquato

Raz's outfit here is honestly very similar to his PN2 outfit. This is because in my eyes "long coat and turtleneck" is Peak Character Design and cannot be improved on. (Hence why I may not be the best person to redesign Raz.) He has an actual coat rather than just an oversized blazer this time though, so that's an improvement. With the turtleneck I was was vaguely intending for it to be color-wise something of a middle ground between the Sasha-style green striped turtleneck and the Aquato blue/green and white stripes, but it ended up basically just being the PN1 stripes with the PN2 color. which, you know, that works

I went back and forth on what their heights should be -- I thought it would be kind of funny if Raz ended up short and Lili ended up taller than him, but then I decided to just make them more in line with their families, with Raz being tall and lanky and Lili being average verging on short. Except then I accidentally made Lili tall anyway because I was only vaguely considering her height relative to Raz. I guess Lili's probably taller than her dad now? good for her ig

Most of their facial features are just slight variations of how they look in canon -- slightly smaller eyes and so on. the only real specific change is that Lili has a more defined nose now, similar in shape to her father's

Lili's outfit here is more different from either of her canon outfits than Raz's is, but there's still not much that really requires a ton of explanation. The goal was to make her look vaguely cool and fashionable, although as I am neither of those things I cannot guarantee I was successful

I tried a couple different hairstyles for Lili, and I'm still not entirely set on this one -- Originally what I settled on was to give her two braids, which I did like, but I kept doing sketches of her where I just drew the top part of the hair and was like "ngl this kind of works on its own" and so I ended up going with the short hair. I also briefly tried an asymmetrical haircut but I couldn't get it to look right. I think this one suits her though

Lili's tattoo (on her left wrist) was a later addition to the design, and even in the later stages of drawing this I wasn't sure whether to keep it. I like it conceptually I just haven't figured out a consistent design for it yet, only that it has to be of plants

god these notes got way longer than I meant them to be I am so sorry. Uh basically I'm still figuring out the details of these designs but for now here's Raz and Lili, they're teenagers now, thanks for reading

[victimsofyaoipoll]

Round 3

Propaganda Under Cut

Uraraka Ochaco

she is absolutely a victim of yaoi. let her have her crush and let her be a person BEYOND HER FEELINGS FOR ONE MAN!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS A WONDERFUL HERO! AND HAS AN INTRICATE PERSONALITY BEYOND IZUKU! 

One of Midoriya “Deku” Izuku’s first friends (the first real one, to be exact), training to be a hero alongside the rest of her class. Despite her character arc and evolution of goals, which tie in strongly with the themes of the series, fans view her as an “obstacle” because of her canonical crush on Izuku. As a result, fan works pairing Izuku with a guy minimize the positive impact she’s had on his life and diminish her role, with some even demonizing her and turning her into a jealous bitch to justify Izuku not dating her. The simple possession of a crush has lead to her being overlooked and mistreated by the fandom, such as the common take she’s had no growth since the obtainment of her crush (feelings she actively pushes to the side as to not possibly create a distraction from her goals). These takes are accompanied by claims her character solely revolves around Izuku, ignoring the fact that many other guy characters have their characters revolve around him, some even more than her. 

Shes literally so fucking cool and passionate and she has a genuinely interesting place in the setting and YET she is constantly sidelined by both the show and the fandom in favor of her canonical love interest/main character and i'm going to be mad about it forever. 90% of the time is should she date the MC, or just that shes "a queen" or "a girlboss". Bc who cares about her growing up in poverty or her relationship with her parents or interest in rescue work? All that matters is that shes not a threat to YOUR favorite MLM ship but dw! Its still feminist because she can punch people <3

Sakura Haruno

Her husband is gay and her author doesn't know how to write women. So many people say she's the worst but she. DESERVES. BETTER!!! Save her from this franchise.

My baby girl my bestie my best friend. She committed the crime of um being written by kishimoto who both doesn’t know how to write women and somehow writes men in the gayest way possible specifically naruto and sasuke. Like the thing is naruto and sasuke ARE gay and also she gets so much hate for the crime of kishimoto writing her one dimensionally in love with sasuke. I know her personally she is a butch lesbian to me just trust me she’s in love with Ino and has a lesbian thing going on with Karin okay just trust me. My everything. She needs to divorce the loveless lavender marriage she’s in 

What is there to say, even? The OG Threat to my 90s anime brain, the only woman I've ever hated with such a passion she made me turn away from the color pink. I used to write fics with my friend where she got left behind on purpose so our OCs could join the Naruto and Sasuke team instead. I loathed this bitch until I was 16 and realized the author simply couldnt write women and decided it was time to make peace with Sakura. It is not her fault she's vaguely written and obsessive over Sasuke. She deserves better. Sasuke and Naruto still should be together and Sakura shouldnt be with Sasuke but I no longer believe this because I hate Sakura, it is because I love her. She deserves a spouse who will actually put in the time to treat her like the hero she is.

[pirateshelly]

I know next season is primarily going to be about Lestat being interviewed by Daniel and that's the thing that's going to have the most screen time, but I am absolutely ravenously excited to find out whatever the fuck both Louis and Armand are up to in the present day because those are both such complete unknowns!

There's literally no roadmap at all for Louis' arc from here on out! His entire personality is so far from his book counterpart they could go pretty much anywhere with him at this point. And I know the lack of book material for him makes some people anxious, I totally understand that, but for now I'm gonna be naively trusting and believe rolin jones and everyone else involved in the show when they say they have no plans to sideline Louis. I personally find it exciting that he's not particularly bound by any book arc, and I'm SO fucking excited to see where a Louis who has embraced his vampire nature ends up going.

And while we get at least some vague sense of what's in store for Louis in his final season 2 scene, we have no clue where Armand even is! We don't know what circumstances lead to him turning Daniel, or even when specifically it happened, and we don't know where he is or what he's doing. He's just out in the world, on his own for quite literally the very first time in his life, without anyone to tell him who he is or what his purpose is and no one to shape his entire life around. What is that going to look like??

And it is entirely unfair that I have to wait probably over a year to find any of that out!

[multi-lefaiye]

sometimes you have a trigger that cannot be reasonably and easily accommodated for, because it would require the people around you to police themselves to an extent that is not healthy for them to do.

that doesn't make your triggers and your trauma any less real or valid or *deserving* of accommodations, but deserving does not necessarily always mean that those accommodations are possible.

sometimes the best way to handle your triggers is to recognize what triggers you and do what you have to do to handle them when they come up. find coping mechanisms that work for you, and as much as you're able to, be open with the people in your life about it. even if they can't make sure you never have to interact with something that may trigger you, they can be a support system for you to ensure you'll survive the blows as they come.

it's not always possible to avoid what triggers you and it's not always possible for others to do that for you. (to be clear: i'm not at all saying people should *seek out* content that they *know* will trigger them or that they shouldn't remove themselves from situations that are triggering when they have the ability to do so, but that sometimes it's not that easy.)

(disclaimer: this is not psychological advice and i'm not saying this applies to everyone.)

[curio-queries]

I’m loving your production breakdown posts, they are so interesting and insightful.

I think you mentioned it maybe in the first ep breakdown but it was about expenses. I just thought it was interesting in ep4 when JK mentioned at the chicken place, paying in cash, and he solely has this conversation with Tae, not Jimin. Would there be an arrangement do you think? Or was that scene cut and he’d have asked Jimin too? I’ve noticed in comparison to Bv where they were usually only allowed a certain amount of money between them, with one usually being in control, or a sum for a task, in AYS, Jimin and JK have been whipping out their cards, be it their own or a company card, in Big Dicks store, in Walmart etc.

I just found it interesting

Hi anon,

The finance bits are interesting in the most boring corporate sense if that makes any sense. 😅 Trust me on this. Let's dive in:

In my opinion, it really boils down to two concerns: taxes and sponsorships. Taxes to insure the company receives every possible benefit for every dollar they spend. Sponsorships because some brands can have fussy rules about how individuals interact with their product and especially any competitor's products while they have an active agreement.

Obviously I have no actual insight onto how the finances and budget were managed for any of these specific shows and I know absolutely nothing of the intricacies of taxes in South Korea but in the US, there are many regulations when it comes to how companies can claim expenditures for tax breaks.

Every company that has had me travel for work has gone to a lot of trouble to insure that I was aware of exactly all of the requirements on my part regarding expenditures. I'm 100% sure all of the BTS members are aware of their requirements as well so I don't particularly think there's any motive other than as a cute convo for the moment between JK and V. Imo, the only reason it made it to the final cut was JKs endearing tone in his response.

Let's go through some examples though:

Receipts: in both AYS and Bon Voyage, we see the members be very specific in getting Receipts. JM and JK talk about it as they're leaving Walmart. In BV, it's all of the shenanigans with the money pouch they acquired in Malta and continued using in New Zealand. This is usually documentation required for any operation that's going to be claimed as a business expense for tax purposes.

Personal Spending: off the top of my head I can think of several clear instances where we know that the members are using their own money for purchases we see them make on the shows. In Run BTS ep.70 in Toronto, JK pays for the member's clothing purchases himself. In BV4, JM pays for the member's clothing himself a couple of times (remember the drama of his lost wallet? 😅)

Budget as Content: BV 1 & 2 mostly only include finances as part of the game-ification of the show. The members had to earn money as an allowance for the activities and determine the best ways to spend it. (I do vaguely remember some members wanting to negotiate for more when buying souvenirs? Was that just in the extra scenes? It's been so long, I've been holding off on rewatching until I'm done with my Run series).

Thankfully, the success of BTS has basically nixed the budget games. I think the last time we saw something like this were the Run episodes of a hotel staycation? But the prices were ficticious and not necessarily about real-world spending but rather determining the secret number to not exceed. (If I'm misremembering and there are more recent examples, please share!) Imo, it would just be too tone-deaf to continue portraying the members in that context. I know we all joke about them being broke millionaires, but there's a reason why celebrity game shows always make it clear that the money involved is for charity.

Anyway, back to AYS, the interesting bit to me is wondering about the inclusion of Taehyung from a budget standpoint. How was that reconciled? None of us can possibly know the answer, but it's interesting to think about. Some costs wouldn't have changed at all with one extra participant, like the house rental, or booking the climbing gym or yacht tour. But there were a few extra concessions, getting the extra mattress likely was more a logistics headache on short notice rather than an impact to the budget. And most Korean meals are served family-style so there honestly isn't a huge difference cost-wise. Except maybe the omakase. That I can imagine was noticeably more expensive with an added individual.

But really, the most expensive item per person would likely have been travel. Did someone say Tae was already in Jeju prior to filming? If he wasn't, did the show cover his flights like they would have JK, JM, and the crew? Or is the budget on these shows big enough that it was just another drop in a bucket? Also, the intent likely was for JK to zip around on the motorbike and JM to be on the scooter. I'm curious if they weren't logistically able to get another such vehicle with the short notice or if the budget/sponsorship constraint didn't allow for a third one the day. Or it could be that the scooter exists because of the 3 member count and production thought one of them could be JKs backpack. That bike has the space for it. But perhaps the difficulty to get coverage and/or converse wasn't appealing. Or maybe there just wasn't a third radio-enabled helmet prepared?

I know the various shippers are using this in their arguments. I'd like to firmly state that I am not building a case for either side here. Go do that on your own and leave me out of it. Lol.

There are so many questions and it's interesting to theorize how the finances could have impacted the development of the show. Maybe we'll get some more insight with the remaining episodes and bonus footage but I doubt it. Finances don't usually make for engaging content.

Thanks again for the ask! It's one of the points I want to discuss when I start doing my BV and ITS posts but who knows when that will be!

[kurapikas-fucking-pissed]

it's a bit beyond my capacity RN to draw anything for this wonderful holiday, so instead i will share a longstanding fan theory me and @mackernasties have thought about! and that is......is Killua and his dad's side of the family from East Gorteau?

From a Doylist perspective, it wouldn't make sense for Killua to conveniently have all of this knowledge about East Gorteau, such that he could exposition to Gon about it and bring him up to speed, unless he and his family had some sort of history there.

But if that's the case, then why doesn't Killua or his family ever SAY they are from East Gorteau? For Killua, I believe it is because he himself is unaware of this fact.

Silva and Zeno both seem to have an intimate understanding of East Gorteau's history and internal politics. Though this could be explained by their work as Assassins, that alone could not explain why they felt any inclination to tell Killua about its existence in the past, nor does it explain why Chairman Netero felt the need to bring Zeno into the fight to save East Gorteau's population from eradication by the Chimera Ants.

I believe it stands to reason that Netero would only feel able to bring Zeno into the equation if Zeno himself had something to lose or gain in the fight against the Chimera Ants. But Zeno gives no reason as to why he's decided to participate, other than that Netero called on him. Given the man's nature, it only makes sense to me then, that he would involve himself solely because of his own personal attachments, selfish or elusive though they might be.

But if they are from East Gorteau, wouldn't Silva or Zeno explain where they are from to Killua at some point, or any of the rest of his family, if they were going to talk to him about East Gorteau at all? in my opinion, not necessarily. It's not like Killua's family are the most forthcoming with information to Killua, and from their perspective, if Killua had any cultural ties, he might be tempted to learn more about how the world actually works outside his family. And that would spell trouble for Zeno and Silva, who see Killua as their pawn and prodigy - Any way for Killua to find a sense of belonging or normalcy outside the Zoldyck household is a danger to their legacy. It is intentional on their end to deny Killua a cultural identity.*

But then, why tell him about East Gorteau at all? It may have been relevant for a mission, or it may simply have been Zeno dropping hints and seeing if Killua picked up on them - I can't say. But we have already seen that it's not beyond them to give Killua fragments of information and to intentionally mislead him for their purposes. Telling Killua about East Gorteau like it is something unrelated to them as a family, to see what he does with that information, is pretty in character for them both. Speculating about their intentions feels a bit like trying to psychoanalyze anyone else's abusive family - they do shit that doesn't make sense on purpose and their intentions are deliberately a bit vague. While I believe what we do know about Silva and Zeno lends itself to this theory, there could be something I'm missing. :V

To further my point though, Killua actually being half East Gorteauan (??? xD) also makes the scene where Killua is warning other people in East Gorteau about their leader's death make more sense, narratively. If Killua looked like an outsider to them, a population closed off from the rest of the world, why would they ever listen to him? We already know the people of East Gorteau can have white hair and blue eyes because of Komugi, so personally, I think it's simply because Killua looked like one of them, so to speak. I don't necessarily think that Komugi and Killua are closely related at all - There's simply no evidence to support that - but the incidental similarities in their appearances stand out to me. The similarity in the texture of their hair specifically, as other white-haired humans in HxH like Kite or Morel do not share that hair texture with either Komugi or the Zoldyck's.

Killua and Komugi's hair are both more thick and stiff, the way east Asian hair tends to be a lot of the time, whereas you can see Kite and Morel's hair both fall into smoother, thinner strands. I don't believe this is solely due to hair cut or style, but hair texture - although this is difficult to say for sure, as it appears that Zeno and Silva both heavily style their hair. It's also notable that Killua's hair used to look a little different when he was younger, but I personally chalk this up to his mother styling it the way she liked it.

As for other purely speculative ideas we can draw from this conclusion, I believe this theory also makes the Zoldyck family's history as assassins make more sense. A family of assassins could very easily sprout up in a country under duress and isolation. The family living on an isolated mountain, to which they hold seemingly no other connection to other than legal ownership, would also make sense if part of the family were trying to separate themselves from governmental ties, and especially the high surveillance in East Gorteau - It is also possible Zeno and Silva escaped East Gorteau because of it's strict "spy system", but again, that is purely speculative.

It is clear (at least to me) that Killua's mother's side of the family are meant to be Japanese, even if they are never directly stated to be so, based off Kikyo's name, how she dresses Kalluto, and Kikyo's ideals about family, culture, and respect. Thus, this means that Killua and all his siblings are mixed race - Whether Zeno and Silva are from East Gorteau or not, this seems to be the intention, as the different sides of his family look nothing alike.

*NOTE: It feels intentional on the part of Zeno and Silva to deny Killua a cultural identity to attach himself to, but this is not necessarily the case for Kikyo. It's very clear that Silva favors Killua over his other children, in his own fucked up way, so this could explain why Silva is constantly undermining Kikyo to Killua, moreso than the other Zoldyck children.

The things Killua doesn't like about his mom are that she seems more strict, overbearing, and harsh than his father, but these things are not strictly true. It's simply how Silva portrays himself to Killua, and while I find it not at all unreasonable for this endeavor to stretch to undermining Kikyo's culture - in a deliberate attempt to both undermine Kikyo's authority (misogyny momence) and the importance of a culture to Killua - there is not anything in canon to necessarily prove that this is what's happening. So this part is merely my interpretation of their family dynamics, extrapolated from Canon, under the lens of analyzing the Zoldyck family from the perspective that this theory may be true.

So! What does this change?

.........honestly, kind of nothing? Aside from making Gon and Killua's invasion into a chimera ant-controlled East Gorteau make more sense in hindsight, it doesn't actually change anything about Killua, his family, or the story itself. It's kinda just fun to think about. Sooooo yeah! If you have any insights that prove or disprove this theory, I'd really like to hear them! This isn't something I've seen anyone else bring up, but the topic really fascinated me once I thought about it all that time ago :3

[asklesbianonceler]

Yapping about Jolán and Anna

Because them being Nox feels extremely important but slept on especially because the Nox invented the fingerslayer blade

IM WELCOME TO OTHERS INPUT HERE! I'D LOVE TO CHAT THEORIES! I'm just shooting shit at the fan below the cut

Like I'm not committing to anything cause I am still cooking. I'm not even cooking. I'm at the grocery store with the vague concept of a meal in mind but I don't know what to buy yet. I'm trying to bake a cake but I'm in the soda aisle.

So to start they are definitely Nox, monochrome in skin tone, wear and use things with "night" and are stated to be born "deep underground"

The other interesting thing about them is that there were more than just Jolán and Anna at some point in the land of shadow. There was clearly at least one more, hence the corpse in Bonny Gaol but potentially others that were likely there with a purpose.

Their fingerprinted armor is interesting. They all wear this. It doesn't seem specific to them working for Ymir and also is created to keep them in the dark. The only other specific fingerprint things are frenzy related. The fingerprint shield also says "Part of the tomb of an ancient god, the Readerless Fingers relayed their message through these imprints, said to be the very seeds from which frenzy first sprouted"

I'm not connecting them to frenzy but I may be connecting them to this ancient god? Maybe? The Nox had to make the finger slayer blade out of SOME GOD'S DEAD BODY!!!!

I'm going full Pepe Silvia tbh.

So we know the Nox do not like the Greater Will, not even just the Golden Order, they hated the Greater Will before it was cool to do that. They wanted to harm the greater will or one of its vessels so they made the fingerslayer blade from a corpse. The corpse of what? People have drawn the connection between the fingerslayer blades appearance to the sacred relic sword which is also a spine double helix. So it was likely the corpse of one of these vessels. Potentially the aforementioned or one not even important enough to mention

Then they were punished and cast underground, away from the stars that they worshipped and saw their fate in.

From the game "(the Nox) were banished deep underground, forced to live under a false night sky in eternal anticipation of the coming age of stars, and of their Lord of Night"

So on to my actual "why is Jolán a simp?" interpretation. That's why. She and her people have lived waiting for the stars and a Lord of night. I'm convinced she thinks she's found it. With Ymir she can see the stars. She follows him and his wishes because she believes she's found what the Nox are searching for.

Did her and Anna disagree on this? Was Anna still, as Nox originally were, set on killing the vessels of the greater will and finger source (so Metyr?) is that why they were in the land of shadow to begin with?

The interesting thing about them specifically is how their description differs from the armor of the sworhands of night as a whole "Jolán and Anna were born in a cold, dark gaol, where they were raised, deprived of light, to be Swordhands of Night. Thus were they cultivated to become the most terrifying masters of their blades, though the burden of the deed left their hearts frail and pliant."

Is the deed becoming swordhands? So they have weak hearts and are easily manipulated.

For what reason were they in the Gaol? Were they born in Bonny Gaol or in some other random Gaol somewhere else?

Were they born there intentionally to be executioners? How did this happen to these Nox? Presumably they were manipulated into things they did not wish to do there. What state mentally were Jolán and Anna in and how did they get out of that life? Anna being a recusant tarnished hunter may suggest she was/is still doing this job... But for Ymir now? But recusant fingers also mean something very specific in terms of rykard/eiglay/snakes. The other weird thing is we don't get her puppet off of his person like we do Seluvis. Her body seems to still have the puppet interactive item with it, whereas with Seluvis the physical puppet summon and the body are separate items because he's using them. We also can't take Anna's puppet if we interact with her body after killing her but before getting Joláns ash.

Also them being Nox and sisters is interesting as the Nox puppets were sisters who became them willingly, Nox being the only people who did do this intentionally.

I think Anna is probably closer to how she originally was post leaving the Gaol. She may have disagreed with Jolán and Ymir and thus was dealt with, her body now being used to guard the passage to the final finger ruin or there's a reason this is intentional but Jolán not knowing about it makes that unlikely. But it' didn't seem like she thought Anna was dead, also because of how Ymir talks about her in present tense. Its really unfortunate she won't tell us more about how she feels but it seems like she trusts whatever happened was for the best. Again to their hearts being pliable. I think it's nice she's found her stars and her purpose but that doesn't mean I don't think Ymir might also be a master manipulator. Like potentially one of the most efficient manipulators in game if true??? To the point no one has anything bad to say?? Manipulate. Mansplain. Mother. I guess. (But like I'm also an Ymir simp. So, much like Jolán, only his words will do. Sorry for being weak of heart I guess but I don't think I can be convinced he wasn't nice. All evidence points to him being nice he just has goals, idk)

But like to what benefit with Jolán? She's kinda just a knight in his service to the same extent as Taniths Crucible Knight. He's got the marionettes all sorcerers do and might know how to make a puppet? Unclear why he would go to extents to intentionally recruit Jolán.

He talks about her like she recently befell tragedy but also like Anna is alive so Anna isn't the tragedy he's talking about. Is he talking about the knight in Bonny Gaol or is it just the total circumstances of her life?

So anyways that's where I am right now and tbh I don't know where I am at all. I'll go look at Bonny Gaol later and maybe explore nokron and nokstella.

Thanks for any input anyone might have. Or thanks for reading this mess. ✌️💕

[childofthewolvess]

Healing from spiritual psychosis—a survivor's journey from delusion and depression, to happiness and purpose as a practicing pagan.

❗❗This post may not be suitable for audiences under 18. TW: psychosis, mania, delusion, suid*dal ideation, ab*se, religious trauma, manipulation, and mental health struggles in general. Reader discretion is highly advised.❗❗

This one is gonna be long. As a disclaimer, this story is a highly interpersonal journey to me and unique to my experience. I absolutely do not speak for everyone who has experienced spiritual psychosis, and if you want to know more generally about spiritual psychosis, check out my post on spiritual psychosis, what it is, and how to recognize the signs.

To say that I have a crazy story would be an understatement. I kid you not, this will probably be the craziest, most roller-coaster thing you read this entire week. Buckle up, because we're going in.

By telling this story, I hope that I can both help to spread awareness of the dangers of spiritual psychosis, and that recovery is possible. My wish is that this post will help to comfort another person who is still in the healing process from spiritual psychosis, because you are not alone! It is possible to live a religious and spiritual life following a spiritual psychosis episode.

But I will be honest—it is a battle, a journey, and a fight. I was not practicing any religion for close to two years. It wasn't easy, healing isn't all sparkles and glitter, and this story does not go through a linear healing process. In fact, I've been brainstorming how to just format this post for weeks. I'm going to attempt to follow this story chronologically with titles separating different sections.

My background as an autistic military kid and my susceptibility to spiritual psychosis

I have always been fascinated in the occult and drawn to the unusual. As early as I could remember, I had a tendency to see my spirit guides in my rest; I would pray to wolf spirits; I was obsessed with astrology as soon as I learned about it; I would make potions and spells without knowing what I was doing. I was born with an inherent trust and fascination in the mystical—I am an open individual to new ideas, highly imaginative (I write fantasy, after all), and did not grow up in a hyper-religious household. My mom always assumed it was my creativity and imagination speaking in a strange way, but never seemed to be worried about curious religious beliefs when I was a child and teenager. In fact, my family didn't go to church. We were vaguely Christian, celebrating Easter and Christmas, but I was not grown up under a strict, "if you don't believe in God you're going to Hell."

I never grew up scared or fearful of the mystical or religious; I grew up under a highly scientific and militaristic background. I was a military kid. I moved every couple of years to a new place. This shaped my entire perception of the world around me, very quickly—I was an outsider, even from the very start. I was the new kid, the outcast, always feeling like I didn't belong and questioning where I belonged in the first place. I was extroverted, loud, and autistic as well, but since I grew up amongst non-stop change packing up my life and moving on every couple of years, I didn't experience any fear for change. This... created so many problems. That's a story for my therapist.

It created problems, though, specifically in my adaptability and trust. I have always known myself to be an outsider, and because of that, I was not afraid to view myself as an outsider in the religious world. Being a military kid was a massive factor in fueling my spiritual psychosis, because as a teenager, I was in desperate search for a purpose and a sense of family/community. I grew up without stability, and learned to create my own stability. This would be my ultimate downfall and greatest strength as I grew older.

The other major factor that set me up for susceptibility to spiritual psychosis were my disabilities. I learn quickly and deeply with my special interests. I jump from topic to topic with a massive amount of energy with my ADHD. I am prone to obsessions and wanting to check them, as I have lived with extremely severe (now-medicated) Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder my whole life. This, combined with growing up as a military kid, brewed the perfect storm to strike me down when I was a teenager.

How my spiritual psychosis began, and how deeply it impacted all parts of my life

When I was 14 years old, after living in a state for 4 years (the longest I'd ever lived anywhere and finally felt a sense of stability), my life was thrown for a massive loop when I had to move to an entirely different state and go into a high school with complete strangers. I'm not exaggerating when I say that was rough on me. My mental health rapidly declined after I moved states. I was stuck in a transitional period—while I was in a new high school with people I didn't know, I was still talking online to my friends in my previous state. It was gut-wrenching for me to see them having fun with each other in high school while I felt like a silhouette, back to being the autistic new kid amongst a massive school of thousands I didn't know. But this time, it was high school, full of cliques I couldn't fit in, and judgement for who I was.

At this time, I was communicating with one spirit guide in particular. I was still identifying as a Christian, but I had an animal spirit guide who I'd met before I even moved. I would do meditations routinely to ask for this spirit guide's advice and knowledge. I built trust with him (the guide) very quickly, as prior to moving, there was no reason for me not to trust this guide.

Literally mere months after I moved, I started slipping quickly into spiritual psychosis. When I had been previously su*cidal and chronically depressed, I suddenly entered a rapid mania and happiness to the point where I believed there was absolutely nothing wrong. I was placed on a new hormonal medication for my chronic disorder that made me even more susceptible to delusion due to the hormone. It began with the belief of twin flames; this was a coping method because A), I didn't like men and had a shit ton of internalized homophobia, and B), I thought my twin flame was one of my previous friends living in the other state. Another friend from said state affirmed this belief, unfortunately, and this would lead to a chaotic and fast borderline-schizophrenic downfall. Nothing is more dangerous than an outside force reassuring someone with OCD that their delusional obsession is real.

My spirit guide confirmed and reassured me that I was correct in my friend being my twin flame (this wasn't true). I began meditating every single night, as soon as I got home from school slipping into a trance to talk to my spirit guide. I then started to believe that I was a healer chosen by God, and that's why I met my twin flame so early in life. This cascaded into the belief that I received "visions" of my future with my "twin flame" (it was maladaptive daydreaming). Then I started to believe that I was talking to the spirits of my future children with my twin flame. Then I believed I was literally pregnant with an angel spirit, gave birth, and visited heaven. I was taking care of a ghost angel child every moment of my day. And then, catch this, after stopping my belief in that, I believed I was an angel living on earth sent to heal others. I was not at all existing in the real world.

This all was affirmed by my spirit guide at the time, even though it wasn't true, whatsoever. I literally built a spiritual family and world that loved me because I was lacking it in the physical. And it was encouraged by my spirit guide.

Sure, I was a band kid, and sure, I forced myself through my homework, but in my head, I was nowhere near the present, constantly dissociated and losing more and more sleep to meditations where I'd "travel" to the spiritual realm to talk to these "spirits" (again, it was maladaptive daydreaming, lol). This lasted over a course of six months while gradually worsening. To my parents, I looked like I was fine—it was all happening in my head, and I was highly isolated within my bedroom. I did appear to be happy. But if you look at pictures of me during this time, it is incredibly, terrifyingly visible how I was not occupying my physical body and the world around me.

Let's compare that photo of me in 2018 (16 years old) to a photo that was taken of me in 2023 (20 years old), happy and healthy post-healing from spiritual psychosis:

Notice the difference?

Directly after snapping out of spiritual psychosis, and being in a vulnerable state, I was taken advantage of.

This spiritual psychosis would dramatically crash down on a random Wednesday my sophomore year of high school. Both the friends that were related to my spiritual psychosis suddenly cut me off right before I realized it all wasn't real. I got off the medication that I was prescribed directly before my spiritual psychosis began. I woke up in the middle of the night with the sudden awareness that nothing I had experienced was real. It sent me into the worst depressive episode I've ever lived through. To this day, I struggle to describe to others the massive loss that I experienced when I snapped out of my mania. I quite literally grieved a family that I had built, my whole world, and my life got flipped upside down as everything I knew to be real was suddenly not. I was completely, totally alone, in a world that I was unfamiliar with, around people I hadn't known, in a body that I hadn't been in for months due to dissociation. It was the ultimate Tower moment. I had no idea who to talk to, how to ever trust myself ever again, let alone the intense guilt that suddenly plagued me from the sense of knowing that I hadn't found my twin flame, and I had been imagining sick and twisted fantasies of living my life with him.

I realized I was obsessive. I said goodbye to the spirit guide previously guiding me. I had a snow leopard guide for a few months, as I still connected with the idea of spirit guides, but strictly didn't allow her to tell me anything even remotely associated with religion. She was there for comfort, for guidance, and I will forever be thankful of this short-lived spirit guide's protection and care to help me to stay alive in my darkest night.

After stabilizing my mental health, I began to see a black wolf run alongside me in my dreams; the same black wolf I saw as a child. He was familiar, and I began to work with him. I immediately noticed a massive difference in how he communicated with me, versus how my spirit guide during my spiritual psychosis communicated with me. I began to learn healthy communication from spirit guides, and he would stay by my side even when I had no religious beliefs as I healed and reevaluated my entire morality and faith structure. I knew that he was a real spirit, and that I could trust him—he would tell me as it was, he wouldn't glorify, he would protect me from my own self. He was a voice of reason, and I understood quickly that he had been waiting for my previous spirit guide to depart to help walk me back to who I was before I experienced spiritual psychosis. He encouraged me to restart in college, follow my heart, and realize that high school was temporary.

And then I got a warning from him. The first time I'd ever received a warning from a spirit guide. A warning that told me I was about to be in deep, deep trouble.

I received my OCD diagnosis. I relied on my writing to escape, forced myself to try to make friends, but that was... unfortunate. I didn't know or understand how to make a good friend as a teenager; how could I, when I hadn't even been in my body for months? I'd only had friends in middle school, and I hadn't yet learned social dynamics as an autistic person. With all these factors, I was incredibly vulnerable. I was sadly taken advantage of by my abuser. I had maybe a six month gap in between spiritual psychosis and being forced into a relationship with an incredibly manipulative and life-threatening abuser. He would deliberately attack every aspect of my life that were already damaged and unsteady. I was nothing, and that is no exaggeration—I was only a writer knowing I wanted to survive solely so I would finish my book. Though I didn't slip back into spiritual psychosis, I was basically reduced to a body without a soul by this said individual as he had a plan to k*ll me. He'd get away with it morally, if I was worthless and better off dead, anyway.

And knowing that he was trying to make me nothing, I decided to fight. My spirit woke back up that day. I was suddenly alive again to survive.

So, yeah, I went through spiritual psychosis and then immediately got into a relationship with a psychopath with serial killer tendencies. I wish I was joking about that. That's my luck, y'all.

During this intense and severe trauma lasting over a year before I moved to college, I was protected by my black wolf spirit guide. He was a force of comfort, of wisdom, and I inherently understood in myself he wanted me to survive with my own strength. Not delusion; not escape; but instead the power within myself to stand up against my abuser, take hold of my life, and get out. He helped me in my discovery that I was a lesbian, and I would end up breaking up with my abuser for this reason.

I moved to college after about 6 months of healing at the end of high school from that previous situation. It was a massive restart, one that my wolf spirit guide led me to because of my newfound love for nature and its truthful guidance.

I had completely abandoned most of my spiritual and religious beliefs by the end of my senior year in high school. I fought out of my abusive relationship and stood back up, and with my anger and spirit reawakened, I decided I'd move for myself and get away from anything and everything that was connected to that damn state and my high school experience.

I instead learned to make friends when I moved to Colorado through nature and hiking. I began living my life authentically, healing my wounds through laughter and joy. I found my place in the trees, in the forests, by the river, in security. I switched my major to ecology and wrote poetry about the healing hand of nature itself. Though I wasn't religious, I would still do tarot readings with a new deck with my black wolf spirit guide. I trusted his wisdom, I trusted him not to guide me into delusion, as I understood he had been waiting for me to return to my childhood joy.

Quite literally, I found how to be a kid again. I found it in the Colorado snow, in a group of friends, in my autism/ADHD diagnosis. I fell in love; I fell out of love. I moved to Yellowstone National Park to honor my love for the wolf, and then last year to Alaska to become a naturalist. I got contracted by a literary agency for my writing. I went to a therapist every week for three years, working through each and every piece of trauma in high school. I got medicated for my OCD and ADHD and saw a massive improvement in symptoms. I found the divine in nature, began truly smiling, and healing my heart. I started to work out, became confident in my identities, and let go of labeling myself. I found my passion and purpose in teaching about nature's wonder and power. I started saving up and working toward getting a service dog to help with dissociation for my PTSD, and was successful. Each and every night, I'd work on reflecting through poetry. To this day, I have ~40,000 words of poetry documenting and detailing my healing journey, finding love within nature, and happiness in my own independence and self.

I spent an absurd amount of time not touching the mystical with a 10-foot pole, besides my one spirit guide, a deck of tarot cards, and sensing energies in nature itself. I found how to ground myself, how to balance my logic and emotion, how to discern daydreaming escapes from intuition. I redefined my intuition and how it felt. I completely separated from anything and everything to do with high school. It was critical to step away from my craft for a couple of years to fully rebuild who I was.

"So, was that really a spirit guide, then? How could I ever trust any spirit guide again?"

I struggled with this question for a very long time. I swung between wondering if that spirit guide was even real, or if I had made him up, too. I had experiences that I couldn't describe, and a spirit guide I trusted, and I would get confused and stumped.

I first learned to become thankful of that spirit guide during my psychosis. If I hadn't gone through that psychosis, I wouldn't have been alive. It was the only true way for me, at the time, to survive the circumstances I was in. My spirit guide was absolutely real, and he absolutely lied to me, too. But he did it to keep me alive, to allow me a glimpse of what I wanted—stability, strength, love, and family—in an unconventional way. It would motivate me to find my dream life. That spirit guide did what he knew best, and saved me. He understood that I was predispositioned to spiritual psychosis, and when I began slipping into it, he had a choice—he could either abandon me and leave me with absolutely nothing, or let me believe in what was making me happy and keeping me alive. And I said my thanks to this guide years later, but respectfully stated that I would never allow that sort of trickery and lies in my craft again, not when I understood myself, my purpose, and what happiness is to me.

Even later, I would learn that specific spirit guide was sent by Loki, one of the deities that has been guiding me for most of my life. At first, I was angry. I didn't want to talk to Loki, I was uncomfortable with the fact that he would do such a thing, but then I remembered that it was simply the only way to save my life, at the time, when I was already falling into psychosis without the guide's encouragement.

I further learned that my black wolf spirit guide, who had been with me as a child and left during my spiritual psychosis, could not be my guide at that time. Loki wanted me to trust this spirit guide. If my black wolf guide had been my guide at the time of my psychosis, I never would have trusted any sort of spirituality again, nor the wolf spirit that had been sent by my ancestors to protect me. His (wolf) purpose was to protect me, keep me safe, and guard me from delusion (rather that be my own or someone else's). Loki was forced to assign the not-wolf guide to me to keep me alive. Classic Loki, too, sacrificing the painful and deadly truth for the convenient lie. I respect Loki's decision, because I understand now.

Finding the divine in my life before and after psychosis: where are we now?

One of the toughest moves I would make would be listening to the energies of the deities calling to me. Loki would visit my dreams. I had been told by 3 different readers that Loki wanted to work with me. I had to learn how to even trust deities, as I could barely trust my own intuition considering how badly I slipped into psychosis before.

I started to see the divine before, and after, my psychosis, in the form of energy. Not the form that would talk to me and say things I didn't like; not the form that would invade my space; but instead the gentle energy surrounding me in moments where I was grounded and smiling.

I found Loki in my love and passion for storytelling. I found his essence lingering in the Alaskan rainforests, in the chaos of being a deckhand on the Pacific. I found his energy trailing in the form of the sheer chaos I've always lived in, in my deep desire for change. I found it in the laugher from others when I told stories, in the wild with orcas following our boats. I found his energy in my child self, prior to my psychosis, telling stories to my classmates and being my bold self, sticking out like a sore thumb but embracing it.

I found Aphrodite in my poetry, hidden in my heartbreak and deeply interwoven concept of romance. I found her in my love for the ocean as a child. I found her in the smiles of the first girl-friends that I had in my life, in going to a spa with them. I found her in my own sandy blonde hair, in my carefully-crafted prose surrounding a romance in my book.

I found my two wolf spirit familiars (previously, black wolf was my guide) in my excited passion over the wolf. In playing and having fun in nature. In family, in the understanding that I was never alone, and never could force myself to be alone. In the rain, in the trees, in my footsteps on dirt trails, in the smell of the river on a warm day. I felt their energies happily protecting me throughout my life, not forcing a belief onto me or immediately agreeing with one of my opinions, but instead protecting me and acting as holders of the truth.

I realized that my deities are not just new forces, but forces that have existed around me for longer than I can even remember. They are parts of me. I am a part of the universe, and so are they. I began to trust, understanding the signs and symptoms of spiritual psychosis. I recognized that not only was I much older, but medicated, stable, and happy. My spirituality wasn't centered around someone else, it was centered around my perception of the natural world and how special it was. I got into herbalism, deity worship, and at last stepped into who I wanted to be as a child. Not a delusional person in psychosis, but as a spiritual individual respecting my divine team and living my purpose of spreading the joy that nature brings.

What's the lesson to take from this?

The signs and symptoms of spiritual psychosis, and the recognition that anyone can experience spiritual psychosis. Also, that it wasn't all fake, and that the divine does have impact in all aspects of life.

You are never alone! Even if it feels like it, it will get better. You will find the strength, and though in one moment your life may feel worthless, healing is entirely possible.

It is possible to trust the divine again. Give yourself time. Let yourself heal. Ground. Find your truth, build your beliefs on the perception of reality. Do not be afraid to restart and run off to distant lands to heal—it works!

If you made it this far, thank you for reading this one hell of a story. I hope that this will help to inspire someone or reach someone who needs to hear it.

[firedjinni]

what do u even call the slugcats cause they're "names" are fuckinfg BORING! "monk" "survivor" yap yap yap! thats why I call them flowerboy and ponyboy hunter is a cool fucking name but still WOLFBOY. is better I know theres... other slugcats the only ones ive seen are the fat one and the darker red one. and some weird... mutation looking slugcat... weird eyes... weird colors. whateverrrrrr ill enable the dlc after i do this damn wolfboy run 4 DAYs. LEFT.

okay, I understand this was probably not the intended point of this ask, but it is too late. you have activated my trap card. we are talking about Slugcat Worldbuilding Headcanons now.

(Spoilers ahead for… basically every campaign.)

For Hunter: I imagine "Hunter" is more of a nickname, and that NSH normally refers to them more as his courier or messenger. I tend to call them "Hunter" for writing convenience (even in their own POV, so far), but they don't really call themself that much. They have a lot of identity issues tied up in being created for a Very Specific Purpose and not really knowing how to think of themself outside of it; they're a divine messenger, but that's not really a name. Until their purpose is fulfilled, they don't think about themself as a person often enough to actually consider things like names.

For Survivor: I like the headcanon that slugcats (at least in Surv/Monk/Gourm's colony) are given simpler names as pups, and sort of "earn" a more descriptive title/adult name as they mature. In my usual read of them, they would have just been "white/pale one" when they still lived with their colony, and gave themself the name "Survivor" some time after their fall.

For Monk: their pup name, which they have during their campaign, is something like "yellow one", and they don't earn a title until later. Even then, they aren't ever "Monk" in-universe, as slugcats don't quite have an equivalent social structure or role for that term to translate directly. The name they take instead means something more like "pacifist" or "gentle/wise/peaceful one", though there are some loosely similar social connotations to early Ancient society's version of monkhood, with implications of spiritual attunement, insight, and vague otherworldliness.

For Artificer: I imagine this name to be a matter of in-universe translation jank. Their actual name is something closer to "crafter" or "clever one that makes things" (again, connotations are tricky to translate!), but those simply do not possess the same pizzazz. The Scavengers also call them "Red Death" or sometimes "Red Mother", which ends up becoming a sort of mythological figure later on, like a Scavenger boogeyman. Future slugcat colonies end up sort of adopting back the mythology of the Red Mother as a protective deity/spirit, so they mostly call her that in the future. "Red" was probably their pup name, too.

For Spearmaster: Seven Red Suns calls them "messenger" and "07" -- I like to think the former becomes a nickname (their character designer, Faeling, headcanons SRS calling them "Messy" as a nickname/diminutive which I think is adorable), but Spearmaster themself might have adopted the latter too at some point, maybe almost like a family name, because they like that it connects them to Seven Red Suns. I also figure that other wild slugcats might have various nicknames for them, especially since SM would have no easy way to introduce themself -- and the name "Spearmaster" might come from that, actually! But I also like the idea of a future folktale version of them similar to with Artificer, with various names depending on the opinions of the colony/culture in question: "Cousin Thorn-tail", "the Spear-sapper", "the Drinker", and so on.

For Gourmand: again, I imagine this as a case of translation jank, and whatever they're called has slightly different connotations, though I'm less decided on what it should actually be. "Gourmand" is just so… specific? I feel like whatever they've got going on should be equally untranslatable, though. It's something along the lines of "appraiser" and "crafter" and "skilled forager", with this implication of like… knowing about valuable/desirable things and how to find/make them, and also having a strong personal taste for them? "Connoisseur", almost? But not quite as fancy. Their pup name was just "big one", though -- pup Gourmie wasn't quite the absolute unit they are as an adult, but they were definitely always a big slugcat.

For Rivulet: I like the idea this really is just their name! Little-stream-of-water! It's actually their pup name, but they left their colony before coming of age (ran away to become an adventurer), and never really found a title they liked. They think Moon calling them Ruffles is cute, but it's definitely just a nickname.

For Saint: the name does translate directly, not because slugcats have a concept of sainthood, but because the title they gave themself is the literal term taken from the Ancients. I headcanon that they were raised by or around an iterator and know a lot of The Lore, and sorta borrowed some of these concepts for how they see themself… a sort of divine sufferer bringing peace to others, martyring themself for the sake of mercy. Their pup name was just "tongue" or something, though, if they had one at all.